i'm now eight months post-college. eight months have passed. that's like...eight months. i find it unbelievably easy to just putter along through each day and ignore the nagging thought that hovers at the edges of my consciousness, somewhere in the back of my mind, that i need to figure out my future plans. and it's always in that one brief moment when i let my vigilance slide that the worry about "the future" comes back in full suffocating force, reducing me to brief bouts of anxiety attacks. i'm quickly learning to hate the word "future" because it's not a happy word and it doesn't bring me presents. instead, it is the one word that encompasses everything that is paralyzing. and i know that no matter how much i ignore it and deny its existence, it's still going to be there.

i look around at other people and i wonder if they have the same problem. it doesn't look like they do, or maybe they're just really good at hiding it. i just want to yell and scream at it - I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S NEXT. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO SO GO AWAY! but of course, i don't say that...because i don't do confrontation - even if i'm only confronting my own thoughts.

i just want it to be easy and everything to fall magically into place. i don't get why it can't be that way. i just don't understand. and it's crippling me because i can feel it gnawing away at my "status quo - don't think about it and it doesn't exist" stasis. and maybe that's the problem, i'd rather be where i am than take a step, because i don't know where that step will go.

music rotation

solomon burke - don't give up on me

jet - get born

books

michael cunningham - the hours

tracy chevalier - girl with a pearl earring

media addictions

the wb network [gilmore girls, one tree hill, etc]

the oc

american idol