this is me?

you know, this was sort of the theme for the exodus church retreat this past weekend. we intensively explored and mapped out our spiritual gifts, natural abilities and acquired skills. i haven't exactly had time to process it, so it's still kind of churning in the back of my mind...somewhere.

but, i think it made me think about who i am. i thought i knew...6 weeks ago. but after 5.5 weeks of teaching, i find that i'm not sure who i am. because in 5.5 short weeks, i seem to have lost a lot of my personality. maybe it's the nature of being thrown into a new and really challenging situation. i'm weaker than i thought i was. what a bummer. i'm hoping i find my personality and more optimistic disposition soon.

tomorrow, i have a sub. i have to attend a district math training. i hope the kids don't go nuts. in fact, i kind of hope the sub isn't good - i have heard of subs who do magic tricks. it's hard competing with cool magic tricks - and so maybe the kids will appreciate me more when i go back on friday.

year one: complete

this last wednesday was the 1-year mark for my time in LA. it was just over a year ago that my dad and i drove down here with a u-haul trailer attached to the back of my car. it's crazy to think how fast the time went. i think back to this time last year and then look at where i am now, and so much has changed. more detailed thoughts will follow...later.

yesterday also happened to be the 1-year mark of when i met many of the folks of the exodus, who have, over the last year, become dear friends. the day is easy to remember because i happened to meet everyone (most everyone) at TC's birthday party last year.

i have to find some time to really think over this last year.

and so begins year two...

remembering where you were

i think it was just past 7am, five years ago, that i was driving from portland to seattle. i was moving some of my things to my new living space, an apartment near campus - the infamous maplewood apts. on my way up, i decided to turn from my cd player to the radio. it was a very surreal moment to hear all of the news being relayed about everything that was going on in new york and in DC. i remember getting on my cell phone and calling my parents about 30 minutes after i'd left their house to tell them to turn on the TV. it was in so many ways very difficult to process the events as a reality. it just seemed like it couldn't be happening, yet it was. i somehow arrived in seattle around 10am and checked in with my new landlords. none of us could really process any of it. my then roommates were both out, either at work or school. i remember just sitting on the floor of my apt bedroom surrounded by a some of my things, and being dazed and unsure of what to do with myself. i can't say how long i was sitting there. i don't really remember. i do remember somewhere in there, during my drive and after i arrived - i prayed...because that was all i could do.

------------------------------------------

on this day, i find that i'm not quite sure how to process the things that are happening in my life. i started teaching and it hasn't been anything i had initially expected. there have been ups...but i've seen more of the downs in these last 3 weeks. i almost feel like everyday that i'm in the classroom, i'm in a constant battle. i fight for the attention of my students, i struggle internally for more patience. sometimes, the war that seems to rage within me seems to be the thing that is causing me the most grief. i have these crazy perfectionist expectations of myself as a teacher, which i potentially (and quite possibly, unfairly) expect of my students. i can't figure out how it's all supposed to be/look. and that is, to be honest, exhausting me. i know that later, with more time, learning, training, experience - i will know, to a better degree, what to expect and do. but for right now (and for sure later), i feel like the only thing i can do is pray - because i really don't know what else to do.

another week comes to an end

i love the fact that this was a 4-day work week. it's friday and i've made it to the third week. it's hard to believe that it's already been about 3 weeks since school started. so far, i've dealt with finding cockroaches in the classroom and killing them while making sure the kids don't react and freak out, 4th grade social drama - a group of girls harrassing this poor kid about "who he loves," kids "playing" rough at recesses, calling some parents, and doling out the negative consequences of poor student choices. it's just a little crazy. i'm pretty sure i look forward to the end of the day more than they do.

the tough part is remembering that they're 9 years old. it's so funny how different they are. some are super responsible and mature and joyfully participate and align themselves with school expectations while others look like they don't have a clue. oh the variety... it certainly keeps me on my toes.

homophones

me: i still can't believe you guys have a dog!
wendy: he's super cute. come meat him~
wendy: haha.. meet him
me: hahaha...meat. dude...that's so wrong!
wendy: apparently i is fob
me: yes...you is
wendy: thank you miss sun.
me: dude...have i mentioned that i hate the sound of my own last name?