total fraud

i've been MIA from my blog. i've been in school for about two full weeks now, and i'm exhausted. i had completely forgotten what it's like to be in school. there's so much reading and thinking and discussion. i even had myself a good mini-cry earlier in the week because i was feeling anxiety about the workload and feeling unsure of my choice to pursue this whole teacher ed. thing. honestly, just about everyday this last week, i wondered it i would be able to see this through. the huge responsibility of it all truly hit me and it made me want to crawl into bed and hide in fear - fear of failure, of not being gifted enough to do this.

i so don't want to be the crappy teacher that fails to teach a child the necessary literacy skills, thereby screwing them over for the rest of their natural lives. HUGE RESPONSIBILITY. it causes me so much anxiety - i couldn't eat well earlier in the week. i wanted to throw up...a lot. i was relieved to find that a couple of other people in my cohort felt the same. they had a good cry too. we now share a bond. it's like anyday now, my advisor, or another peer in my cohort, is going to discover that i know absolutely nothing. nothing. i look around my classes and as i listen to people's comments, it just feels like they know so much about the things that we're learning, whether it's learning theories, educational psychology, or being really familiar with the buzz words of the program "social justice." dude, i grew up in middle to upper-middle class predominantly white suburbia. i don't know the first thing about being underprivileged or truly what it means to be marginalized in society. this also causes me anxiety.

but, it's all good too. everyday i'm struggling and being challenged. i haven't been moved out of my comfort zone in a long time. i love how God brings us full circle again and again. i'm reminded about the first time i moved away from home and went to college. that whole first year was all about challenges and stepping out of the boat. how fitting that the same theme is being brought back into my life to give new life and direction for my faith as i'm away from home a second time.

i have come to understand how underpaid and underappreciated teachers are. big thanks for all of my former educators. i was lucky enough to have a whole slew of amazing teachers and i hope to become one of them.