remembering where you were

i think it was just past 7am, five years ago, that i was driving from portland to seattle. i was moving some of my things to my new living space, an apartment near campus - the infamous maplewood apts. on my way up, i decided to turn from my cd player to the radio. it was a very surreal moment to hear all of the news being relayed about everything that was going on in new york and in DC. i remember getting on my cell phone and calling my parents about 30 minutes after i'd left their house to tell them to turn on the TV. it was in so many ways very difficult to process the events as a reality. it just seemed like it couldn't be happening, yet it was. i somehow arrived in seattle around 10am and checked in with my new landlords. none of us could really process any of it. my then roommates were both out, either at work or school. i remember just sitting on the floor of my apt bedroom surrounded by a some of my things, and being dazed and unsure of what to do with myself. i can't say how long i was sitting there. i don't really remember. i do remember somewhere in there, during my drive and after i arrived - i prayed...because that was all i could do.

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on this day, i find that i'm not quite sure how to process the things that are happening in my life. i started teaching and it hasn't been anything i had initially expected. there have been ups...but i've seen more of the downs in these last 3 weeks. i almost feel like everyday that i'm in the classroom, i'm in a constant battle. i fight for the attention of my students, i struggle internally for more patience. sometimes, the war that seems to rage within me seems to be the thing that is causing me the most grief. i have these crazy perfectionist expectations of myself as a teacher, which i potentially (and quite possibly, unfairly) expect of my students. i can't figure out how it's all supposed to be/look. and that is, to be honest, exhausting me. i know that later, with more time, learning, training, experience - i will know, to a better degree, what to expect and do. but for right now (and for sure later), i feel like the only thing i can do is pray - because i really don't know what else to do.