fear of emotional proximity/intimacy. if one has such a fear, it pretty much prevents all others from moving beyond a certain point - in terms of the depth of the friendship/relationship. it's surprisingly easy to keep people at a distance and to maybe even fool them into thinking that they've moved past that invisible wall that one has built. then maybe the only one being fooled is the one with the wall.

i was sitting in church today listening to the message. and the thought of "no man is an island" came to me. it occurred to me that i've tried to be that island - whether it was intentional, i'm not quite sure. in the last few crazy and busy weeks - i've gotten to do some thinking. i feel like i'm at a crossroads. i've gotten as far as i'm ever going to get with God - unless i can truly let the rest of that wall be broken down. i think i've kidded myself into thinking that it was a non-issue, that wall, but of course...duh...it's like the biggest issue in my life. it's easier on the heart to just keep it locked away and hidden, because then all the bad things would never get to it. of course that also prevents all the good things too. there was some movie that i watched - something with two characters having a dialogue - one person said - "i'd rather feel pain, than nothing at all" - or something like that - but it was an accusation about the other person, but i guess it might as well have been me. hmmph.

on a whole other note - in keeping with my attempts of using humor to buffer all that is serious - i saw the transporter again and i decided that i'm totally marrying ex-military/spy/guy who can beat people up and save the world all in one day. let me add that he has to be a God-loving and God-fearing man in the first place and then the neato action hero stuff second. oh, and the movie was unintentionally funny and totally enjoyable - at least i think it is. fun stuff.